As I look back at the photos taken during my time in SOT, it came unto me about God's goodness and faithfulness throughout these 6 months. I begin to feel God's presence. Never did I imagine myself going through SOT. I was changed. I remembered I doubted myself, my ability and my identity in Christ.

Since I came to church when I was 14+, I always wanted to do more for God. I always wanted to be use by God. I always wanted to be close to God. But throughout the years living as a Christian, I had many falls. I faced many obstacles and distractions that drew me away. Times when i'm far from God, my flesh desires the things of the world. And all along, every single day I knew He has been calling me to be by His side once more. Truly enough I did come back to His side because I came back to my senses that what I was searching for in this world could never satisfy me, could never give me.

When I was back by His side, I knew I couldn't love Him totally with all my heart because I had buried all the hurts, the disappointments all deep down and built a solid wall to prevent myself from being hurt. No matter how hard I tired to fight the pain, the thoughts every single night, I can't seem to break free. I seem to become a totally different person than I was before. I lost the joy I had. I lost my smile. Inside of me was full of bitterness. No matter how I tried to become the same person I was before smiling and laughing, I couldn't. I thought I could no longer be used by Him because I was so lost. I thought of giving up for trying so hard to struggle what's within me. Because I've hardened my heart, His love couldn't penetrate the solid walls. Even when I cried in His presence, my heart grew cold fast. But slowly, God dealt with me a step at a time.

He brought me back to what I was created for. He flashed the dreams He dropped into my heart when I was still a secondary kid, to serve Him wholeheartedly. I wanted to be a cell group guitarist. At that time, I was reluctant because I just got back on track with God and knew there's many things that my heart has not been dealt with. But I knew God wants me to and I told my cgl I wanted to be a cg guitarist. That was the breaking point of my life. I was hard pressed at every corners. I was trying my best to lead praise and worship but disappointments after disappointments put doubts in my heart that I can't be used by God given how broken I am that can't be fix. I saw many people rise up to another level with God but not me. I felt lousy. The position of a cg guitarist was taken away from me and I asked God why. So many whys till I came to a point that I surrendered myself to Him. Even if I can't be used by Him, it doesn't matter. Even to become a nobody, it doesn't matter because I will still use the talent He had given me to worship Him in my little room. I realized God wanted me to have a deeper relationship with Him. In the little room were the times God dealt with me and affirmed me about my dream. After a year, I became a cg guitarist again. He is always faithful. I enjoyed every single time I spent worshiping God and praising Him with my guitar.

But deep down, I still long for a change. A change of lifestyle, a change of view. I feel I needed a breakthrough in my walk with God. There came SOT. It was one of the hardest step to take because its out of my comfort zone. When I came into SOT, life was not easy. I had to step out of my boundaries to preach the Word of God, I had to lead worship, I had to lead games, share revelations, gave offering messages and many more. Those were impossible. I told myself if I could successfully go through SOT I would be a superwoman. There were many late nights thinking about the sermons to prepare, assignments to be done and would sleep the least an hour and attend SOT the next day. I thank God for His strength that strengthens me throughout SOT. God dealt with my heart during those 6 months. I experienced His unquenchable love that was so deep and cried like a baby many times. There, He spoke to me about His thoughts towards me and affirmed me about my future. I learnt about faith so much because I was sick for 1 week and was healed fast despite what the doctor has told me. I feel fortunate to be able to be in this 2011 batch because I could learn so much things from my team members.

When I was sent out for missions in Jakarta, I really had no idea how things were going to happen and start. I felt low because half of my team being sent out including me were not that good in preaching and half of the team were international students. I asked God is this possible that He sent out this half. But God made me understand one thing which is when human ability ends, there His grace will manifest. I literally leaned on His grace to the extend of having no choice but had to step in the gap to lead a children game last minute. It was like if I have to die, I die because everything happened in an instant. But thank God of His grace! I didn't expect to lead worship in the youth cg, but took up the courage and His presence was so strong in the room. Honestly, I was afraid. I was even afraid to share my testimony to a group of people. I always feel nervous to speak in public, even now I still do. I couldn't do all these without His grace. Puji Tuhan! God made me see that He sill could use us even we have imperfections. He made me see that all it takes is a willing heart. Through this mission trip, we grew closer with one another which was part of His plan too I believe. I learnt so much from my friends in Jakarta. Pushing the boundaries, making the impossible possible. I thank God for the gift of laying of hands, discerning people and gift of prophecy.

My life in SOT has made an impact for the rest of my life. The 1 thing that I will not forget in SOT will be loving God and loving people. Thank You Jesus for this opportunity to be able to experience You in a different way.

I still have many fears need to be conquered, character to be built, capacity to be enlarged. Everyday I'm falling in love with Jesus more and more. A pure heart to love Jesus is all I want and ever need. A heart without evil intentions, without wrong motives but a humble one that yearns and seeks only Him.

I am back and ready to take a lift. It was a tough journey and I finally got through everything. I've made it, right to the start.